Quotes
"How many husbands have I had? Do you mean apart from my own?"- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"I love New York City; I've got a gun. "
- Charles Barkley
"Feminism is just a way for ugly women to get into the mainstream of America. "
- Rush Limbaugh
"It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up."
- Muhammad Ali
"One man with courage is a majority."
- Thomas Jefferson
"Hollywood is a place where they'll pay you 50,000 dollars for a kiss and 50 cents for your soul."
- Marilyn Monroe
"What luck for rulers that men do not think."
- Adolf Hitler
"People call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat or a prostitute."
- Rebecca West
"If you're going through hell, keep going. "
- Walt Disney
"If you suck on a breast the movie gets an R rating. If you hack the breast off with an axe it will be PG."
- Jack Nicholson
"Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted."
- John Lennon
"Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth."
- George Burns
"Being married means I can [break wind] and eat ice cream in bed."
- Brad Pitt
"Good judgment comes from experience. But sometimes, experience comes from bad judgement."
- Actor Christian Slater
"We talk all the time. I think we understand each other in a way that most people can't understand either of us."
- Macaulay Culkin (on his relationship with Michael Jackson)
"Being a celebrity is probably the closest to being a beautiful woman as you can get."
- Kevin Costner
"That's the trouble with being me. At this point, nobody gives a damn what my problem is. I could literally have a tumor on the side of my head and they'd be like, 'Yeah, big deal. I'd eat a tumor every morning for the kinda money you're pulling down."
- Jim Carrey
"I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music."
- George Carlin
"An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind."
- Ghandi
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."
- Mark Twain
"Wise men talk because they have something to say. Fools talk because they have to say something."
- Plato
"The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy"
- Actress Helen Hays (at 73)
"I'm not against half-naked girls - not as often as I'd like to be..."
- English Comedian Benny Hill
"My one regret in life is that I'm not somebody else."
- Woody Allen
"I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to."
- Elvis Presley
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"I've been on a calendar, but I've never been on time."
- Marilyn Monroe
"A hippie is someone who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane and smells like Cheetah."
- Ronald Reagan
"Some people say that I must be a terrible person, but it?s not true. I have the heart of a young boy... in a jar on my desk"
- Stephen King
"All that changes in history is the name we give things."
- Harry Truman
"Solutions are not the answer."
- Richard Nixon, former U.S. President
"I do not like this word "bomb." It is not a bomb. It is a device that is exploding."
- Jacques le Blanc, French ambassador on nuclear weapons
"If you think is was an accident, applaud."
- Geraldo Rivera, talk show host, to his audience on Natalie Wood's drowning
"It is white."
- George W. Bush, when asked what the White house was like by a student in East London
"His book is much harder to read than it must have been to write."
- Christopher Hitchens about Bob Woodward's book, 'State of Denial'
"[A book by Henry James] is like a church lit but without a congregation to distract you, with every light and line focused on the high altar. And on the altar, very reverently placed, intensely there, is a dead kitten, an eggshell, a bit of string."
- H. G. Wells on Henry James
"That's not writing; That's typing."
- Truman Capote on Jack Kerouac
"This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force."
- Book review by Dorothy Parker
"He walked as if he had fouled his small clothes and looks as if he smelt it."
- Christopher Smart on Thomas Gray
"I liked your opera. I think I will set it to music."
- Ludwig van Beethoven to a fellow composer
"The best time I ever had with Joan Crawford was when I pushed her down the stairs in "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?""
- Bette Davis
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
- Billy Wilder
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts...for support rather than illumination."
- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
- Oscar Wilde
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
- Mark Twain
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
- Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."
- James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
- Thomas Brackett Reed
"I've just learned about [your] illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
- Irvin S. Cobb
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
- Mark Twain
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
- Abraham Lincoln
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
- Clarence Darrow
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill
"Madam, you hold between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands, and all you can do is sit there and scratch it."
- Sir Thomas Beecham, conductor, admonishing a cellist in rehearsal.
"If all the girls who attended the Harvard-Yale game were laid end to end, I wouldn't be surprised."
- Dorothy Parker
"Cannot possibly attend first night [of your play], will attend second...if there is one."
- Winston Churchill, in response to George Bernard Shaw
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one."
- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
- Oscar Wilde
"War is God's way of teaching us geography."
- Paul Rodriquez
"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
- Johnny Carson
"Oh, you hate your job? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar."
- Drew Carey
"I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west."
- Richard Jeni
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
- Conan O'Brien
"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."
- Dave Barry
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
- Dave Berry
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
- Benjamin Franklin
"Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me."
- Winston Churchill
"You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer."
- Frank Zappa
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
- Henny Youngman
"What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?"
- W.C. Fields
"A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her."
- W.C. Fields
"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut."
- Ernest Hemingway
"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools."
- Ernest Hemingway
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
- Frank Sinatra
"If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise!"
- Unknown Congressman during prohibition
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage, We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
- Henny Youngman
"I guess cows aren't into the four food groups, especially when they are two of them."
- Anthony Clark
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
"My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it."
- Buddy Hackett
"I do not like broccoli. And I haven't liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I'm President of the United States and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli."
- George Bush, U.S. President, 1990
"If it weren't for electricity we would all be watching television by candlelight. "
- George Gobel
"Don't spend 2 dollars to have a shirt dry cleaned. Donate it to the Salvation Army. They'll clean it and put it on a hangar. Next morning you can buy it back for 75 cents."
- Billiam Coronel
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. "
- Oscar Wilde
"Now suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself. "
- Mark twain
"Chemistry is a class you take in high school or college, where you figure out two plus two is 10, or something."
- Dennis Rodman, NBA Basketball player, on Chicago Bull's team chemistry
"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes
"Sit by the homely girl, you'll look better by comparison."
- Debra Maffett, Miss America 1983
"I think the team that wins Game 5 will win the series. Unless we lose Game 5."
- Charles Barkley, NBA Basketball Player
"The team has come along slow but fast."
- Casey Stengel, Baseball player/manager
"Most cars on our roads have only one occupant, usually the driver."
- Carol Malia, BBC Anchorwoman
"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada."
- Britney Spears
"The internet is a great way to get on the net."
- Bob Dole
"You guys line up alphabetically by height."
- Bill Peterson, football coach
""It's not the people who vote that count. It's the people who count the votes." (Josef Stalin)"
- Alicia Silverstone
"It's not the people who vote that count. It's the people who count the votes."
- Josef Stalin
"To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say, you too can be the President of the United States."
- George W. Bush in his commencement address at Yale in 2001
"I think we all need to take a deep breath and think about being a Bush daughter and having that cross to bear. I'd go out and have a couple of drinks too."
- Julia Roberts, on the underage drinking troubles of Jenna and Barbara Bush
"You win some, you lose some, and then there's that little known third category."
- Al Gore, campaigning for Minneapolis Mayor Sharon Belton
"Time's fun when you're having flies."
- Kermit the Frog
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last
night?"
- A female Michigan news anchor to the staion's meteorologist, in regards to predicted snowfall from the previous news cast
"I loved the way Nicole looked. If I saw her on that sidewalk right now, I'd pull over and hit on her..."
- O.J. Simpson
"We are the caretakers of God's creation. We have a moral obligation to treat them humanely and, when we do slaughter them, we do so in a painless way."
- Rob Doughty, Burger King spokesman
"Can I hug you?"
- 98 year old Senator Strom Thurmond to Hillary Clinton after she was sworn in as a Senator in 2001.
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."
- Ann Landers, Advice columnist
"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer."
- David Acfield
"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."
- Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977. The "Coxswain" directs the rowers in crew
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces."
- Ron Atkinson
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
- Terry Venables
"The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball."
- John Francombe
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious."
- Alan Minter
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.
"
- Greg Norman
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
- Winston Bennett
"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria....I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing."
- Pat Glenn - Weightlifting commentator regarding a method of competition lifting.
"The nice thing about being a celebrity is that if you bore people they think it's their fault."
- Henry Kissinger
"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are."
- Matt Lauer (on NBC's Today Show)
"Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times."
- Mark Twain, Author
"If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs."
- David Daye
"They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days."
- Garrison Kielor
"Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life."
- Terry Pratchett
"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches."
- Jim Carrey
"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."
- Emo Philips
"My mother said to me, "If you are a soldier, you will become a general. If you are a monk, you will become the Pope." Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso."
- Pablo Picasso, Artist
"When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, "There's just something about you that pisses me off."
- Stephen King, Author
"Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife."
- James H. Kabbler III
"My notion of a wife at forty is that a man should be able to change her, like a bank note, for two twenties."
- Warren Beatty, American movie actor
"I told him to take a picture of his testicles so he'd have something to remember them by ... for you ladies that's t-e-s-t-i-c-l-e-s."
- Indiana basketball coach Bobby Knight when asked about a heated exchange with one of his players
"The Oscar made my pits wet."
- Actor Kevin Costner
"It's really hard to maintain a one on one relationship if the other person is not going to allow me to be with other people."
- Axl Rose of Guns & Roses
"It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in broan velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch."
- Robin Williams on being in Dead Poet's Society
"Sometimes [they] don't smell so good, so love can have no nose."
- Tammy Faye Bakker, preaching about the poor
"Do you mind if I sit back a little? Because your breath is very bad."
- Donald Trump to Larry King while being interviewed on Larry King's radio show
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
- Joe Theisman, former Redskin quarterback
"There's something you get from a chick that you can't have with any other being on the planet, and that is something super special. I mean, if there were nothing but old whores and nasty, old, hard women, I'd be on the lookout for some young, sweet, little fifteen year old boy."
- Actor Don Johnson
"A Chicken McNugget doesn't die any easier than baby fur seals, and the fact that somebody could be so insipid as to think that the chicken has any less rights than the baby fur seal because it's not as cute can kiss my ass."
- Ted Nugent
"Charity is taking an ugly girl to lunch."
- Actor Warren Beatty
"I've always been the one to say, "Sorry, that's it darlin', it's all over, goodbye. Take twenty Valiums and have a stomach pump and that's the end of it.""
- Singer Rod Stewart on breaking up
"Nah, I'm just a prizefighter."
- Boxer Rocky Graziano, when asked if he was a pugilist.
"I'm the Hiroshima of love."
- Sylvester Stallone
"I'm a big fan of hers. She's a sexy woman. Got great t--s, and she's a really good looking old broad."
- Geraldo Rivera on Barbara Walters
"I'm a big fan of hers. She's a sexy woman. Got great t--s, and she's a really good looking old broad."
- Geraldo Rivera on Barbara Walters
"When a diplomat says `yes' he means perhaps; when he says `perhaps' he means no; when he says `no' he is no diplomat."
- Unknown
"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl."
- Bill Peterson, football coach
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
- Lee Iacocca
"I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don't always agree with them."
- George Bush, Former U.S. President
"On the outskirts of every agony sits some observant fellow who points."
- Virginia Woolf, English author and critic (1882-1941).
"When I was a young man I vowed never to marry until I found the ideal woman. Well, I found her - but, alas, she was waiting for the perfect man."
- Robert Schuman, French statesman (1886-1963)
"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
- Bob Hope
"I confess I'm no expert in that. I just learned how to forward Monica Lewinsky jokes to someone else."
- Former U.S. President George Bush on using the internet
"When in doubt, duck."
- Malcolm Forbes, American publisher (1919-1990)
"History would be an excellent thing if only it were true."
- Leo Tolstoy, Russian author (1828-1910)
"I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth, even if it costs them their jobs."
- Samuel Goldwyn
"A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it."
- Oscar Levant
"Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil!"
- Golda Meir
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something."
- Jackie Mason
"I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks."
- Joe E. Lewis
"It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it."
- Sam Levenson
"Don't be humble. You aren't that great."
- Golda Meir
"Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair."
- George Burns
"My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking Canada."
- David Steinberg
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying."
- Woody Allen
"Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon."
- Susan Ertz, American author (1894-1985)
"If people behaved in the way nations do they would all be put in straitjackets. "
- Tennessee Williams (1911-1983)
"You teach a child to read and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test."
- President George W. Bush in Feb. 2001 at a Tennessee Elementary School
"My parents put a live teddy bear in my crib."
- Woody Allen
"It\'s hard to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic just because she lives in your body."
- Judy Tenuta
""More fun than a barrel of monkeys?" Have you ever smelled a barrel of monkeys?"
- Steve Bluestein
"Marriage always demands the finest arts of insincerity possible between two human beings."
- Vicki Baum, Austrian-born author (1888-1960)
"If the whole human race lay in one grave, the epitaph on its headstone might well be: `It seemed a good idea at the time'."
- - Dame Rebecca West, Irish-born author and journalist (1892-1983)
"There's no fun in medicine, but there's a lot of medicine in fun."
- Anonymous
"They should be shot."
- Oasis guitarist Noel Gallagher, on the Backstreet Boys.
"If you can lie on the floor without holding on, you're sober."
- Billy Connolly
"Well, David, did you do any fornicating this weekend?"
- Richard M. Nixon, to David Frost before an interview
"The caribou love it. They rub against it and they have babies. There are more caribou in Alaska than you can shake a stick at."
- George Bush, then U.S. Vice President on the Alaskan pipeline
"If Lincoln were alive today, he'd roll over in his grave."
- Former U.S. President Gerald Ford
"Don't talk to me while I'm interrupting."
- film director Michael Curtiz
"Minnesota voters played a major role in the victory of that state's gubernatorial primary elections last year."
- National Rifle Association Press Release
"I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job"
- George Bush
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
- Danny Ozark, former Manager of the Philadelphia Phillies
"My Fellow Astronauts..."
- Former Vice President Dan Quayle
"Things are more like they are now than they have ever been."
- Former U.S. President Gerald Ford
"Republicans elect stupid leaders with brilliant staffs and Democrats produce brilliant presidents with stupid staffs."
- Jay Leno
"Moral indignation is in most cases 2 percent moral, 48 percent indignation, and 50 percent envy."
- Vittorio De Sica, Italian movie director (1901-1974)
"I went to the doctor and said, 'Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?' The doctor said, 'I dunno, but your eyesight is perfect.'"
- Rodney Dangerfield
"I never exaggerate. You can ask Tipper or any one of our 11 daughters."
- Al Gore, poking fun at himself at the Al Smith Dinner in New York. (10/20/2000)
"A zebra cannot change its spots."
- U.S. Vice President Al Gore
"Desert Storm was a stirring victory for the forces of aggression and lawlessness."
- Former U.S. Vice President Dan Quayle
"[The Air Force is pleased with the performance of the C-5A cargo plane, although] having the wings fall off at eight thousand hours is a problem"
- Major General Charles F. Kuyk Jr.
"It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom."
- Rodney Dangerfield
"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."
- George Burns
"I was watching the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left a little earlier, they wouldn't have to go so fast."
- Steven Wright
"After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you?" She said, "I don't think that was good for anybody.""
- Garry Shandling
"I went to the thirtieth reunion of my preschool. I didn't want to go because I'd put on about a hundred pounds."
- Wendy Liebman
"Why is it that when we talk to God, we're said to be praying. But when God talks to us, we're crazy?"
- Lily Tomlin
"You can say, "Can I use your bathroom", and nobody cares. But if you ask, "Can I use the plop-plop machine", it always breaks the conversation."
- Dave Attell
"You don't know what love is until you fish a turd out of the bathtub for someone."
- Margaret Smith
"I had a dream that I was trapped in an elevator with Yanni, Kenny G., and Michael Bolton... and I had a gun with only one bullet."
- Dave Attell
"God gave men a penis and a brain, but not enough blood to use them both at the same time."
- Robin Williams
"I've never fallen in love, but I've stepped in it a few times."
- Rita Rudner
"If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts."
- Steven Wright
"My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we had a Democrat in the family."
- Emo Philips
"In Las Vegas I got into a long arguement with the guy at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number."
- Steven Wright
"Cured ham? No thanks pal. Cured of what? What if it has a relapse on my plate?"
- Tommy Sledge
"I like long walks. Especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."
- Fred Allen
"All generalizations are dangerous, even this one."
- Alexandre Dumas, French Author (1824-1895)
"I bought Odor Eaters. They ate for a half hour and then threw up."
- Howie Mandel
"Boy those french. They have a different word for everything."
- Steve Martin
"A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky. A woman knows."
- Monica Piper
"Ninety eight percent of adults in this country are decent, hard working, honest Americans. It's the other two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them."
- Lily Tomlin
"Prince Charles looks like somebody kissed a frog and it didn't change all the way."
- Wendy Liebman
"If toast always lands buttered side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens when you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"
- Stephen Wright
"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow."
- Jeff Valdez
"I like to go to the bowling alley and bring a little black marble with me, and put it in the machine they use to polish the balls. Then call the manager over."
- James Leemer
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
- Groucho Marx
"I tried to give blood the other day. The blood bank refused to take it, though, because I wouldn't tell them where I got it."
- Wally Wang
"During the summer I like to go to the beach and make sand castles out of cement. And wait for kids to run by and try to kick them over."
- James Leemer
"I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, hoping to get lucky. But there wasn't any gum under any of them."
- Emo Phillips
"Two guys walk into a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it."
- Daniel Lybra
"last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He used a dotted line. He caught every other fish. "
- Stephen Wright
"You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish."
- Jerry Sienfeld
"You know you're getting fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead."
- John Mendoza
"Therapy is like a really easy game show where the answer to every question is: 'My Mom?'"
- Robin Greenspan
"Everything at IKEA requires assembly. I bought a pillow, and they gave me a duck."
- Todd Glass
"I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it."
- George Carlin
"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense."
- Steve Landesberg
"Comedy is the ability to make people laugh without making them puke."
- Steve Martin
"I had a cab driver in Paris. The man smelled like a guy eating cheese while getting a permanent inside the septic tank of a slaughterhouse."
- Dennis Miller
"I saw a cab driver take an elderly woman across the street. No, wait a minute. The word I'm looking for is knock... knock her across the street."
- David Letterman
"Blonds must have more fun. How many brunettes do you see walking down the street with blond roots?"
- Rita Rudner
"I've been getting into astronomy, so I installed a skylight. The people who live above me are furious."
- Stephen Wright
"If lobsters looked like puppies, people could never drop them in boiling water while they're still alive. "
- George Carlin
"It's been over five years since I've had a drink. I kind of miss sex."
- Tracy Smith
"The next time you get too drunk to drive, walk into a local Domino's and order a pizza. When they go to deliver it, ask for a ride home."
- Todd Glass
"I can't think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they're dead."
- Laura Kightlinger
"Is it bad when you refer to alcohol as 'Pain Go Bye Bye Juice'?"
- Patton Oswalt
"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead - not sick, not wounded - dead."
- Woody Allen
"I would have made a good Pope."
- Richard M. Nixon
"I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy."
- Tom Waits
"Writing is easy. All you do is stare at a blank piece of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead."
- Gene Fowler
"Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something."
- Last words of Pancho Villa, 1923
"When turkeys mate, they think of swans."
- Johnny Carson
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits."
- Unknown
"Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved."
- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
"It's better to know some of the questions than all of the answers."
- James Thurber (1894-1961)
"Honesty is the best policy, but by elimination, dishonesty is the second best policy. That's not bad."
- George Carlin
"I have no problem with the cigar smoking trend. If some guy wants to put a big steaming turd in his mouth amd suck on it, who am I to complain?"
- George Carlin
"The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music."
- George Carlin
"I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed."
- George Carlin
"When I was coming up, it was a dangerous world and you knew exactly who they were. It was us versus them and it was clear who them was. Today we are not so sure who the they are, but we know they're there."
- Texas Gov. George W. Bush, in Council Bluffs, Iowa, on Jan. 21, 2000.
"History, n. An account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools."
- Ambrose Bierce - The Cynic's Word Book
"It isn't pollution that's harming our environment, it's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
- Former U.S. Vice President Dan Quayle
"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
- Former French President Charles De Gaulle
"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
- Jason Kidd, upon his being drafted to the Dallas Mavericks
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world I can't help but cry. I mean, I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
- Mariah Carey
"I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because, if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
- Miss Alabama, 1994, when asked "If you could live forever, would you and why?"
"People blame me because these water mains break, but I ask you, if the water mains didn't break, would it be my responsibility to fix them then? WOULD IT?"
- Marion Barry, former Mayor of Washington, DC
"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?"
- Marilyn Pittman
"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end."
- Jerry Seinfeld
"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
- Lily Tomlin
"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
- Dick Cavett
"They show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
- Jerry Seinfeld
"You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over? Movie Day."
- Jay Mohr
"Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease."
- Bill Maher
"When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other."
- Rita Rudner
"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three."
- Elayne Boosler
"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?"
- John Mendoza
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"
- Warren Hutcherson
"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."
- Ellen DeGeneres
"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
- Bill Gates, 1981
"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
- Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.
"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper."
- Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"
- H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us."
- Western Union internal memo, 1876.
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons. "
- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
"Tom. "
- Tom Nissalke, Coach of the NBA's Houston Rockets in 1966, when asked how he pronounced his name
"Never imagine yourself to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise."
- Louis Carrol
"There is a certain relief in change, even though it be from bad to worse; as I have found in travelling in a stage-coach, that it is often a comfort to shift one's position and be bruised in a new place."
- Washington Irving
"The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad. "
- Salvador Dali
"My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. "
- Ashleigh Brilliant
"Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove."
- Ashleigh Brilliant
"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house."
- George Carlin
"There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?"
- Dick Cavett
"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."
- Douglas Adams, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
"How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?"
- Woody Allen
"Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together."
- Carl Zwanzig
"Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again."
- F. P. Jones
"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps."
- Emo Phillips
"I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers."
- A Bit of Fry and Laurie
"When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child... eventually."
- Stephen Wright
"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
- Stephen Wright
"When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'"
- Stephen Wright
"I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night."
- Stephen Wright
"I filled out an application that said, 'In Case Of Emergency Notify'. I wrote 'Doctor'...What's my mother going to do?"
- Stephen Wright
"I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit."
- Stephen Wright
"My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.'"
- Stephen Wright
"I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone."
- Stephen Wright
"If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?"
- Stephen Wright
"I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart."
- Stephen Wright
"I read somewhere that 77 percent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 percent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves."
- Emo Philips
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. "
- Richard Jeni
"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master."
- Emo Philips
"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot. "
- Kevin James
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
"Leftovers make you feel good twice. The first time, is when you save them, 'Hey! I'm saving food!'. The second time is when you throw them away, 'Hey! I'm saving my life!'"
- George Carlin
"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it"
- Stephen Wright
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"
- Emo Philips
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading."
- Emo Philips
"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do."
- Richard Jeni
"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die."
- Tim Steeves
"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'"
- Richard Jeni
"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'"
- Francois Morency
"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on Me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'"
- John Wing
"I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms."
- Stephen Wright
"You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend."
- Richard Jeni (on going to war over religion)
"I found my wife in bed naked one day next to a Vietnamese guy and a black guy. I took a picture and sent it to Benetton. You never know. "
- Franck Dubosc
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
- Jimmy Shubert